So, as it turns out, you:
- do the "Basic Tutorial", by shooting up and left and right and then above (using the Cancel key () ??? as the fire key, and THEN running to the column on the right and pressing UP.
The rest I leave as an exercise to the reader, who I'm sure has more patience than me.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bionic Commando Rearmed.
Game box that punk kid has:
PS3
Frickin' Publisher:
Capcom
Date I bothered:
17-Aug-2008
Careless headline:
This was pretty cool; now do it in 3D.
Stupid thing others say:
"When Bionic Commando came out 20 years ago, it separated itself from the glut of other NES platformers by removing one key element: a jump button."
Yeah, a jump button as innovation. Clearly my kinda game.
My old guy review:
I picked up this game and I thought, "WTF?" (As always.)
Sigh.
Bionic Commando Rear-"Medical! Medical! I got a man here!!"
Or as my wife says, "That must be 'Bionic Commando Rear-Med'".
Thanks, guys. The mere (rear?) mention of rearness and now I'm not allowed to play it by myself. Poop.
Ok. So a 2D Platformer comes to the PS3.
So I played the demo over and over again.
Truth be told, I played the tutorial over and over again. WTF is up with that? It says "Shoot the left and the right and the overhead", and then it makes you do it over and over again.
No wonder your kids are laughing at you. I'll be back later when I either:
(a) figure this out, or
(b) shoot myself in the head.
I'm betting pretty even odds right now, and I'm not all that optimistic.
Sigh.
PS3
Frickin' Publisher:
Capcom
Date I bothered:
17-Aug-2008
Careless headline:
This was pretty cool; now do it in 3D.
Stupid thing others say:
"When Bionic Commando came out 20 years ago, it separated itself from the glut of other NES platformers by removing one key element: a jump button."
Yeah, a jump button as innovation. Clearly my kinda game.
My old guy review:
I picked up this game and I thought, "WTF?" (As always.)
Sigh.
Bionic Commando Rear-"Medical! Medical! I got a man here!!"
Or as my wife says, "That must be 'Bionic Commando Rear-Med'".
Thanks, guys. The mere (rear?) mention of rearness and now I'm not allowed to play it by myself. Poop.
Ok. So a 2D Platformer comes to the PS3.
So I played the demo over and over again.
Truth be told, I played the tutorial over and over again. WTF is up with that? It says "Shoot the left and the right and the overhead", and then it makes you do it over and over again.
No wonder your kids are laughing at you. I'll be back later when I either:
(a) figure this out, or
(b) shoot myself in the head.
I'm betting pretty even odds right now, and I'm not all that optimistic.
Sigh.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Oh God Please Save Me
PS3 again.
Sid Meier. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sid_MeierSid_Meier
Ok, I've got my own wiki too: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/wotta/guy/), but Sid's that guy. You know, they guy you'd marry your sister to? If she was a gamer? And loved CIV IV?
Ok, I have a grip now, and I've spent untold (UNTOLD) hours on this game. Let me summarize it for you:
- ONE: it's fine to play this games by yourself; it may take hours, but you *can* save;
- TWO: forget about playing this game online; the average game will take four-to-six hours, which will leave the average player up all night; besides, you will (after many hours of finger-punching) find you fall to some yo-yo in The Netherlands who has neither your sense of worth nor your sense of job; and then:
- THREE: you *will* hate yourself. Believe me when I say I have saved you untold hours. You may now send these hours to some international charity and COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY. I say this knowing you will stay up all night once, only to fall prey to an aenemic 11-year-old who will let you think you are winning.
You know you could take him in a dark alley, but, at this point, this is neither here nor there.
I Got a Kid to Help Me Type This
Game box that punk kid has:
PS3
Frickin' Publisher:
Pixel Junk
Date I bothered:
31-Jul-2008
Careless headline:
I'm sure I'm not alone.
Game your kid taunts you about:
Pixel Junk
My old guy review:
I picked up this game and I thought, "WTF?"
It helps if you've ever played a tower game. That's a game where you strategically place towers -- each of which fires varying ammunition at encroaching enemies -- so as to slow said enemies down. Or kill them. That's an ethical thing I'll leave to you.
It's like Space Invaders where you get to add your own blocks that fire back. But it's really a puzzle game. With resmorseless killing. (See above.)
P.S.: If you're my kid, or just a hotshot, and you're looking for a gamer's FAQ, there;s one here: http://www.gamefaqs.com/console/ps3/file/944234/51653
This isn't a gamer's FAQ. This is a "WTF" FAQ.
Ok. I started up the game and it took me a while to figure out that:
- I'm the beanie guy; I figured that out because -- in the end -- he moved when I moved the left joystick (my theory is that when one is in doubt, one should spend an hour moving randomly and firing at anything that moves; I hope you appreciate that I do this for you);
- I move the beanie guy around (with the left stick) and hover over a tree
- I press X to make that tree a "tower" (a tower is a gun that will keep firing at the approaching enemies until you sell it)
- I have a choice of towers, limited by the $$$ I have (right-hand of the status line)
- I choose the tower type (some are more effective than others; some are best suited to the next type of "attacker" [see later])
- it takes a second for your new tower to take effect
- the amount of $$$ (the very right of the display) determines whether or not you can build a tower of a certain type
- occasionally you pick up jewels -- (they're not the floating butterfly thingies, but rather the persistent cubic (usually blue) things
- as far as I can tell, the butterfly things are a distraction
- you can press the Start button (just above the right joystick) to pause
PS3
Frickin' Publisher:
Pixel Junk
Date I bothered:
31-Jul-2008
Careless headline:
I'm sure I'm not alone.
Game your kid taunts you about:
Pixel Junk
My old guy review:
I picked up this game and I thought, "WTF?"
It helps if you've ever played a tower game. That's a game where you strategically place towers -- each of which fires varying ammunition at encroaching enemies -- so as to slow said enemies down. Or kill them. That's an ethical thing I'll leave to you.
It's like Space Invaders where you get to add your own blocks that fire back. But it's really a puzzle game. With resmorseless killing. (See above.)
P.S.: If you're my kid, or just a hotshot, and you're looking for a gamer's FAQ, there;s one here: http://www.gamefaqs.com/console/ps3/file/944234/51653
This isn't a gamer's FAQ. This is a "WTF" FAQ.
Ok. I started up the game and it took me a while to figure out that:
- I'm the beanie guy; I figured that out because -- in the end -- he moved when I moved the left joystick (my theory is that when one is in doubt, one should spend an hour moving randomly and firing at anything that moves; I hope you appreciate that I do this for you);
- I move the beanie guy around (with the left stick) and hover over a tree
- I press X to make that tree a "tower" (a tower is a gun that will keep firing at the approaching enemies until you sell it)
- I have a choice of towers, limited by the $$$ I have (right-hand of the status line)
- I choose the tower type (some are more effective than others; some are best suited to the next type of "attacker" [see later])
- it takes a second for your new tower to take effect
- the amount of $$$ (the very right of the display) determines whether or not you can build a tower of a certain type
- occasionally you pick up jewels -- (they're not the floating butterfly thingies, but rather the persistent cubic (usually blue) things
- as far as I can tell, the butterfly things are a distraction
- you can press the Start button (just above the right joystick) to pause
First Stuff Smarts So Much
Ok. Here's the first one.
I got a PS3. I love the blu-ray thing. I love the up-scaling, up-converting thing that I barely understand, the thing that makes my DVDs look hi-def. (See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_scaler.)
I read somewhere that blu-ray sales were off because the average canuck couldn't tell the difference between blu-ray and an up-scaled DVD. All I know is I got a free Spider-Man 3 DVD with the PS3 and I've got the old-fashioned DVD version-of-same.
I can't tell the difference. But then again, I've never seen them side-by-side. I've only got the one screen.
I love my PS3.
I got a PS3. I love the blu-ray thing. I love the up-scaling, up-converting thing that I barely understand, the thing that makes my DVDs look hi-def. (See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_scaler.)
I read somewhere that blu-ray sales were off because the average canuck couldn't tell the difference between blu-ray and an up-scaled DVD. All I know is I got a free Spider-Man 3 DVD with the PS3 and I've got the old-fashioned DVD version-of-same.
I can't tell the difference. But then again, I've never seen them side-by-side. I've only got the one screen.
I love my PS3.
Old People Play Video Games
The Old People's Guide to Video Games
If you're like me, then you're not alone.
You mastered Asteroids. You killed Galaga. Donkey Kong? He/she was your bitch.
So you -- or your kid -- got an Xbox, or a PS3, and you floundered. You realized that you'd missed 20 years of gaming, and that you weren't the flash any more. You discovered that you were missing some fundamental skill that your kid, or your grandkid, seemed to have picked up while you were watching your socks grow.
You figured you'd never catch up.
But you were wrong... sort of.
You'll never have the nerve-stabbing reflexes that Junior shows off as he/she commandeers your TV. But you can take back the night.
I'm here to puzzle out those weird three-dimensional whacked-out "what the hell were they thinking" games that kid plays. I can't help you understand them -- heck, I can't even help you play them -- but I can help you make sense of them.
Join me now, as we enter the XBOX/PS3 zone...
If you're like me, then you're not alone.
You mastered Asteroids. You killed Galaga. Donkey Kong? He/she was your bitch.
So you -- or your kid -- got an Xbox, or a PS3, and you floundered. You realized that you'd missed 20 years of gaming, and that you weren't the flash any more. You discovered that you were missing some fundamental skill that your kid, or your grandkid, seemed to have picked up while you were watching your socks grow.
You figured you'd never catch up.
But you were wrong... sort of.
You'll never have the nerve-stabbing reflexes that Junior shows off as he/she commandeers your TV. But you can take back the night.
I'm here to puzzle out those weird three-dimensional whacked-out "what the hell were they thinking" games that kid plays. I can't help you understand them -- heck, I can't even help you play them -- but I can help you make sense of them.
Join me now, as we enter the XBOX/PS3 zone...
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