Bionic Crap-olo

So, as it turns out, you:
- do the "Basic Tutorial", by shooting up and left and right and then above (using the Cancel key () ??? as the fire key, and THEN running to the column on the right and pressing UP.

The rest I leave as an exercise to the reader, who I'm sure has more patience than me.

Bionic Commando Rearmed.

Game box that punk kid has:
PS3

Frickin' Publisher:
Capcom

Date I bothered:
17-Aug-2008

Careless headline:
This was pretty cool; now do it in 3D.

Stupid thing others say:
"When Bionic Commando came out 20 years ago, it separated itself from the glut of other NES platformers by removing one key element: a jump button."

Yeah, a jump button as innovation. Clearly my kinda game.

My old guy review:
I picked up this game and I thought, "WTF?" (As always.)

Sigh.

Bionic Commando Rear-"Medical! Medical! I got a man here!!"

Or as my wife says, "That must be 'Bionic Commando Rear-Med'".

Thanks, guys. The mere (rear?) mention of rearness and now I'm not allowed to play it by myself. Poop.

Ok. So a 2D Platformer comes to the PS3.

So I played the demo over and over again.

Truth be told, I played the tutorial over and over again. WTF is up with that? It says "Shoot the left and the right and the overhead", and then it makes you do it over and over again.

No wonder your kids are laughing at you. I'll be back later when I either:

(a) figure this out, or

(b) shoot myself in the head.

I'm betting pretty even odds right now, and I'm not all that optimistic.

Sigh.